10 January 2012

2012 Primer or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Apocalypse


Remember Y2K? Or what about SARS? Remember bird flu? How about Swine Flu?

The point is, as humans/Americans/Midwesternists, we have a long and rich history of raping, pillaging and stealing from anyone that doesn't give us what we want working ourselves into a frenzy over things that aren't really that dangerous in the first place. Maybe it's our own survival instinct automatically jumping to the worst case scenario as a means of making sure we're ready for anything should the shit in fact hit the fan this time.

Every time, nothing happens. Until the next time, when we know that THIS IS THE BIG ONE!!!

So what's up with 2012? What does it mean for each of us and who decided we're all going to die before the year is up? Time for me to take off my "Dashing, ruggedly handsome blogger" hat and put on my "Investigative journalist" hat.

WHAT IS 2012 AND HOW DID IT COME TO BE?

Waaaaaay back before the time of television or anything fun at all, the Mayans created what is now known as the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar. Unlike my favorite calendars, this one did not contain any French Bulldogs, Corgis or hunky firemen. What it did contain were b'ak'tun, which is Mayan for "a long ass time". 13 b'ak'tun equals about 5,125 years.

Every 13 b'ak'tun were supposed to mark the end of an "age". We're currently living in the 4th of 5 ages that the Mayans mapped out. The 5th age is supposedly all death, destruction, gore and Cannibal Corpse album covers. That 5th age is also set to start on December 21, 2012.

HOW WILL THE APOCALYPSE COME ABOUT?

There are tons of theories how we're all going to bite the big one. A giant solar flare hitting the Earth is one of the more popular theories. Have you ever put Peeps in a microwave? Yeah, it would look like a cross between that and Sarah Connor's Judgement Day vision from Terminator 2.

WHERIR MAI SUNSCREEN???
The Earth could also collide with an unknown planet. Or it could get sucked into a black hole. All of which will ruin your weekend.

SO THESE MAYANS WERE RIGHT???? AM I GOING TO BURN????

Possibly, but not because the world is going to end. You know how this whole mess got started? People (who by and large have proven to be idiots) somehow decided that since the Mayan calendar stops in 2012, that means the world is going to end.

Seriously?? Just because the calendar ends, we assume the Earth is going to explode? Come on, people. The Mayans came up with this calendar in 3,000 BC. They made a calendar that was over 5,000 years long. They stopped where they did because they were BORED! Frankly, I'm surprised they got as far as they got. Remember, Breaking Bad and Lost had not happened yet, so there wasn't a whole lot else to do. We're living in an age where computers can print out a Federal holiday schedule for the next 8 million years, and I can't go to the mall and find any calendar that goes past 12 months.

And if Party Down and Arrested Development have taught us anything, it's that just because things end doesn't mean they're over and done with. The Mayans may have been creating this calendar for Fox executives for all we know.

BUT DIDN'T JOHN CUSACK STAR IN A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT 2012 THAT SHOWED ALL THE BAD STUFF THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?

Look, if we believed everything we saw in John Cusack movies, we'd all be madly in love with strangers we've only met once, owners of "way too quirky and clean to be realistic" record shops, splitting our time between drag racing against Asian sports fanatics and attending high school reunions with fellow hitmen.

Plus, John Cusack outran the Apocalypse in an airplane, so there's always that solution.

LET'S SAY THE WORST COMES TO PASS. WHAT SHOULD I DO???

One word (repeated for effect):

LOOT! LOOT! LOOT! LOOT! LOOT! LOOT! LOOT! LOOT! LOOT! LOOT!

OLD SCHOOL LOOTIN'!!!

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