03 January 2012

Drunkblog 2012: Iowa Caucus

Welcome to the latest installment of Drunkblog, as I drink my way through the GOP Iowa Caucus results.  I'm starting a bit late so let's get started.

7:55pm: 55 minutes into the hot caucus action and one thing is clear.  Republicans are fucking insane.  It's a three man race between Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, and Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum.  Basically the votes are mainly split between folks that want the best person to possibly beat Obama, folks that are bat shit crazy, and folks that love Jesus but hate gays, blacks and abortions.

8:00pm: Man on Dog has 1229 votes so far and holds a narrow lead.  Jon Huntsman has 23 votes.  Not bad for a guy who didn't bother to campaign here at all.

8:02pm: Switched from MSNBC to CNN.  I'll be flipping between both all night. Although I may switch to Current as well just because they're pretty funny to listen to crack jokes about some of these candidates.

8:06pm: Rick Perry is in 5th and Michele Bachmann is in 6th.  Clearly this is fallout from getting caught on camera in a compromising corn dog shot.

8:11pm: James Carville just likened Mitt Romney to a pill that a dog doesn't want to take and keeps spitting out.  The dog being republican voters.  Perhaps if Romney hid himself in a slice of cheese of maybe some turkey he'd get more votes.

8:15pm: Ron Paul's success is being credited to young voters turning out.  Yeah!  Way to go trust-fund hippies.

8:16pm: Jon Huntsman is over 100 votes total now.

8:19pm: Looking at Huntsman's Wikipedia page, he apparently likes the prog metal band Dream Theater.

8:21pm: 15% of the votes in and Ron Paul continues to lead with Santorum in second.  Evangelical voters who support legalized heroin are really torn here.

8:23pm: CNN has a black reporter live at the Cedar Falls caucus.  This brings the number of minorities in attendance to...one.

8:25pm: Santorum voters being interviewed in Johnston right now.  The guy is wearing an Iowa State sweatshirt.  The moral of the story is, Iowa State sucks.

8:28pm: Santorum has taken a 7 vote lead!  MAN ON DOG! MAN ON DOG! MAN ON DOG!

8:35pm: Now Romney is leading.  Shit's getting real!

8:38pm: I was gonna switch to Current, but I forget what channel it is.  I found it on accident last time.  Hell I'm not sure Keith Olbermann knows where to find it.

8:40pm: Santorum had a late surge in the polls in the last week.  Clearly this is because he opted to deep throat a chocolate soft serve cone instead of a corn dog.

8:43pm: Jon Huntsman now has over 200 votes.  Just slightly more than the number of Dream Theater fans.

8:44pm: Michele Bachmann with a poor showing tonight.  But, but, she's an Iowan like the rest of us!  Jesus Christ.  Her family moved to Minnesota before she even got to grade school.  Don't claim to be one of us, we don't acknowledge you.  You're Minnesota's mistake, not ours.

8:48pm: How can a black person be republican?  I'm guessing they're a millionaire.  That's the only valid reason I can think of.  And if that's the case, what a fucking sellout.

8:51pm: This Drunkblog is brought to you by the fine folks at Flying Dog Brewery and Anchor Brewery, as well as the folks that left their fine craft beers at my house after our New Years party.

8:54pm: The top three are deadlocked at 23% each.  There appears to be no gap between boring rich guy, crazy old guy, and homophobic church guy.

8:56pm: At this point I would invite everyone to Google "Santorum" for a cheap laugh.

8:57pm: For those of you too lazy to you're missing out on this great definition of his name.

9:01pm: They're saying it's so close that they may not be able to project a winner at any point and just wait until all the votes are counted.  Can I stay up drunk blogging that whole time?  We'll see.

9:03pm: Found Current again. What they lack in production quality they make up for in star power. Al Gore and Brian Unger!  Then they have a guy that looks like Barry Gibb and another that looks like Mel Kiper Jr.  Also while they talk they're also following all the other news networks in the background.

9:06pm: Let's make a solemn toast to the death of Rick Perry's campaign.  If he or Bachmann continue on for another week they're clearly delusional.

9:07pm: I'm admittedly pulling for Ron Paul to win.  The thought of him actually winning a state and thus keeping his insanity relevant is awesome.  I mean the guy won't bow out until summer anyway.  Why not let him keep talking crazy at debates?  He at least calls out the other guys on some of their bullshit.

9:12pm: Rachel Maddow just called Rick Santorum "King of the Dipshits" in a roundabout way.

9:14pm: So from what I can gather, the only appeal that Mitt Romney has is that he looks like someone you would elect president.

9:17pm: Romney and Santorum deadlocked at 24%.  Paul has dropped to 22%.  The Ron Paul Revolution is fading...
Courtesy of http://www.superpoop.com/
9:22pm: Seeing all the live shots of the various caucus locations I feel like I sum up the crowds with two words:


Holy shit! I realize Iowa is far from a bastion of diversity, but sweet fucking Christ, can we get a brown person?

9:29pm: Young people that voted for Obama are disillusioned according to Current. I agree with this to some extent but hardly a reason to become apathetic and not vote again.  So all you 20-something year olds out there.  Just remember.  While you may or may not vote, old people always vote.  These are the same people that cause as many auto accidents as teenagers and think Bishops Buffet is the pinnacle of fine dining.  Don't be an asshole.  What, are you gonna vote Green Party?  Don't throw your vote away.

9:34pm: Newt Gingrich is an "amateur paleontologist" and can't be convinced about climate changed. Al Gore is turning green with anger as we speak.

9:36pm:  So Mitt Romney has support for his "electability". Ron Paul has support because crazy young Libertarians are bored.  Rick Santorum has support because the Evangelicals still fear the gays and minorities are going to break into their house and rape them.

9:40pm: This caucus is starting to bore me.

9:41pm: Current's studio looks like a basement bunker.  The overall look is slightly fancier than Assignment: The World circa 1988.

9:45pm: Santorum is now in the lead with 25% to Romney's 23%.  Wait, now Romney is leading.  God dammit, this shit keeps changing too fast!  Jon Huntsman has 570 votes now.

9:47pm: Now Santorum is back in the lead.  It's a real dick puncher here!

9:49pm: NBC has projected Ron Paul to finish third.  In other news, here's a classic Rick Santorum quote:
Every society in the history of man has upheld the institution of marriage as a bond between a man and a woman. Why? Because society is based on one thing: that society is based on the future of the society. And that’s what? Children. Monogamous relationships.

Society is based on society based on the future of society.  Pure poetry.  Also what does children and monogamy have to do with anything?  Pretty sure that homosexuals can have both of those things just fine.

9:56pm: Now Romney has inched back into the lead.  Santorum in second, but here comes Secretariat making a late surge!

9:57pm: Jon Huntsman now over the 600 vote mark.  With 88% of the votes can he reach 1,000?  I'm on pins and needles thinking about it.

9:58pm: Best promo ad from this past weekend was the one for the special about Bigfoot on Animal Planet.  Only for the cut of the guy on the night vision cam quietly uttering the words, "I think there might be a 'squatch in these woods."

10:04pm: Chris Matthews: "Ron Paul doesn't look like an asshole like Newt does."  I'm paraphrasing here.

10:06pm: When Ron Paul gets excited when he talks he sounds like the backpack kid from Kids in the Hall.
"So you probably want me to paint your chair now, huh?"

10:07pm: I can't tell if Ron Paul just said, "to obey the Constitution" or "disobey the Constitution".  It may be both.

10:09pm: After hearing Ron Paul talking for the last 4 minutes, he sounds like a huge nerd.  I'm waiting for Ogre to come out and give him a wedgie.  He's like the republican Dennis Kucinich.


10:13pm: Black person!  I just spotted a black person in the Ron Paul crowd.  That puts the total of black people spotted tonight at...2!  Wait.  Black guy is gone.  Maybe I just imagined it.

10:16pm: Now Newt is talking.  Let's see what sort of bullshit he's gonna spin.


10:18pm: The attack ads against were apparently effective.  I saw a few of them.  He was called "liberal" and linked him to Al Gore and Nancy Pelosi.  It almost made me like Newt Gingrich.

10:19pm: Did I forget to preface this Drunkblog that I do not support the republican party, at all?  You probably figured that out by now though.

10:21pm: Newt is conjuring up some classic fearmongering.  George W. Bush's minions would be proud.

10:23pm: Newt will not run nasty ads. But he will talk shit about Mitt Romney right here and now. "Mitt Romney is a bitch ass punk!"  Again, paraphrasing here.

10:24pm: Is anyone else slightly amazed that Newt is still even in this god damn race?  I think this is a huge indicator of how shitty the GOP field is.  Had a candidate emerged by now, he'd have bowed out of this shit a long time ago.

10:26pm: I ran out of craft beer and have switched to cans of Olympia.

10:32pm: OOOOOOH! Strap in folks, Michele Bachmann is gonna talk!

10:33pm: Wow, she's terrible.  She has to read off a piece of paper.  Newt just rolled with that shit off the cuff god dammit!

10:34pm: Michele Bachmann's husband just oozes gay.

10:35pm: Barack Obama is a socialist!  OH MY GOD!

10:36pm: Holy shit!  My fucking ears are bleeding.  She's not even conceding!  Bitch, you got only 5% of the vote!  You have even less support in the upcoming states.  You are quite possibly the dumbest person.

10:39pm: Michele's husband was busy buying doggie sunglasses the other day.  THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE NOT GAY!

10:40pm: God created this nation according to her.  GOD!  Not our forefathers, but GOD.  Michele Bachmann: Helping to further entrench me in atheism.

10:43pm: The sheer ignorance spewed from Michele Bachmann's dumb face blows my mind.  I'm at a loss of words here.

10:45pm: Jon Huntsman has eclipsed 700 votes!

10:46pm: Olympia is good, although I think it may just be Colt 45 in a can.

10:46pm: Fuck. Yes.  Rick Perry is coming up next!  I need to grab another Olympia for this shit.

10:47pm: Remember when Rick Santorum lost his senate seat and his stupid kids cried on live television?

HAHA! Look at you!
10:49pm: Newt has become Santorum's wingman.  Fucker is out for vengeance against Romney.

10:51pm: RICK PERRY! Holy shit, he really is a dumber version of GWB.

10:52pm: Seriously Texas.  This is your governor?  You guys can secede from the Union any time.

10:53pm: Rick Perry is even worse at reading off a sheet of paper than Michele Bachmann is.

10:54pm: Do any of these people see the hypocrisy in hating a theocracy like Iran despite wanting so badly to create a government based on stupid shit they pulled from the Bible?

10:56pm: The drunker I get the angrier I get, and the more I'm probably alienating readers.

10:57pm: Perry is speaking in West Des Moines, the Naperville of Iowa.

10:58pm: This is the closest to a concession speech as there has been tonight.  Perry will drop out tomorrow or Thursday.  Mark it zero dude.

11:02pm: Santorum is leading, just barely.  The thought of a Obama/Santorum race makes me laugh like a bastard.

11:04pm: No matter how close the finish is, apparently there will be no recount.  MAN ON DOG!  MAN ON DOG!  MAN ON DOG!

11:08pm: Michael Steele is talking.  Michael Steele motherfuckers!

11:11pm: Ugh I'm fading here...

11:19pm: Rick Santorum concedes to God in his speech.

11:21pm: Time for another great Santorum quote:
What we should be teaching are the problems and holes and I think there are legitimate problems and holes in the theory of evolution. And what we need to do is to present those fairly from a scientific point of view. And we should lay out areas in which the evidence supports evolution and the areas in the evidence that does not.
Oh Rick, do tell what evidence there is regarding the "problems and holes" in the theory of evolution?  Is it how the Flintstones could live with dinosaurs?

11:24pm: Rick talks about how important "hard work" is.  But I thought God was responsible for your success.  I'm confused now.

11:26pm: Did you know Ronald Reagan was a fucking saint?  Neither did I.

11:28pm: Now Romney has pulled into the lead.

11:29pm: I'm drunk and I'm fucking spent.  I can't listen to this bullshit any more.  This drunkblog is over.  Thanks for playing.  I leave you with a photo of Reginald VelJohnson, if he were a corn dog.


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