20 January 2012

How to Be a Lazy Bastard: Top Five Non-Snack Items

As a married man in his early thirties with two kids, a dog and a mortgage, I enjoy partaking in the wonderful pastime of being a lazy bastard. Get me a recliner, a television and solid chunk of time to possibly doze off for a nap, and I’m a happy son of a bitch. But my talented gift of laziness doesn’t simply end there. All that sitting and doing very little can make a person hungry, and that’s when I turn my attention to the kitchen.

When you’re in full-on sloth mode, the simple idea of preparing a snack is just exhausting to think about. So you rummage through the pantry to find a bag of chips to stuff your mouth as you stand with the pantry door open, using it as a shield to hide behind lest someone sees you being a slob. You hide like a pantry goblin as you devour some Wavy Lays. You don’t even like Wavy Lays that much, but that’s what is there. But what if they weren’t? What if no regular snack items were available? No chips, no crackers, no pretzels, no cookies, not even a Pop Tart. That’s when the astute lazy bastard goes into deep improvise and adapt mode. You then consider other food items as a snack that were never intended for that purpose.

Dear readers I give you the top five lazy bastard non-snack items.

Let me preface this list by saying all of these food items are intended to be eaten in the kitchen in front of the fridge or pantry. To actually sit down in front of the television with any of them makes you a full out slob, which is far worse than being a lazy bastard. You might as well just go to KFC to order a Famous Bowl and a Double Down you disgusting piece of shit. There are strict lines you just don’t cross OK? So stay in the kitchen.

#5 Peanut Butter
God damn peanut butter saved my life in college. After a long night of drinking and not eating, peanut butter was all I needed to re-energize and fight off the shakes. But that’s a story for another day.

Good ol’ peanut butter is available most of the time in my pantry. However, this is a last ditch choice if I can’t find anything else. The reason being, it’s only good for one spoonful. If you double dip you’re not only a slob, but an asshole as well. Of course if you’re single and live alone, then double dip all you want.

#4 Chocolate Chips
Tread carefully here. If you happen to have chocolate chips available, its very likely they’re there because your wife/girlfriend is using them for baking. Only eat from bags that are already open and only eat a small enough amount to remain discrete. You don’t want to arouse suspicion here. Plus if you eat them all now, you probably just screwed yourself out of some cookies later on. Not the best choice.

#3 Croutons
Croutons are just crackers in cube form, right? Put em in a salad and its no longer a salad as it is just a game of find all the croutons hiding in the lettuce. Croutons are an excellent non-snack food. Or so I thought. The other day while reaching for this pantry staple I caught a glimpse at the back of the bag.

Wait, what? Screw you Hy-Vee! You’re really trying to legitimize croutons as a snack? Pretty sure if you show up at your friend’s Super Bowl party in a couple weeks with a bag of croutons, not only will you ensure never being invited back to any shindig again, you’ll probably be viewed as mentally unstable.

#2 Shredded Cheese
Never to be confused as a snack food, shredded cheese is intended for lots of different things. Pizza, tacos, casseroles, hot dogs, etc., but never as a standalone snack food. You could pass off sliced cheese as a snack, but shredded cheese is too hard of a sell. Personally I prefer mozzarella but really when you’re being a lazy bastard, beggars can’t be choosers.

When it comes to shredded cheese its really important to have good form. If you go willy-nilly you’re gonna drop lots of cheese shreds on the floor and that requires cleanup, and as a lazy bastard that’s guaranteed to be a shitty effort and thus draw the ire of your wife/girlfriend when she finds your “crime scene” later on. So be a pro and follow these important steps.

  1. Have a wide open stance. It’s always good to have a sturdy base.
  2. Take a pinch of cheese in the bag. Once you have a solid grip give it a quick shake to drop the loose shreds before pulling your hand out of the bag.
  3. Feed yourself as if you’re a baby bird. Tilt your head back like you’re a human Pez dispenser, open wide and drop all the cheese into your stupid gaping maw.
  4. For best results, feed yourself over the kitchen sink for easier cleanup and less chance of leaving a crime scene.

#1 French Fried Onions
Hell. Yes. Mothertruckers. If you have a can of these wonderful crispy onion delights consider yourself a lucky bastard. There’s only one reason to have these on hands and that’s for one thing: casseroles, usually of the green bean variety. Chances are though, that if they were already used for a casserole, the amount left over is clearly not enough for another casserole. What does that mean for you? Game on. Eat those bastards up and don’t look back. No one is going to miss them.

All hail the king of non-snack foods, in all their- NOM NOM NOM NOM!


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