15 January 2012

Midwesternist 2012 Golden Globes Live Drunkblog

It's the time of year again for the Hollywood Foreign Press to give awards to their favorite movie stars. And if the multiple nominations for The Tourist last year showed us anything, it's that the HFPA will always let "celebrity" trump "actual merit and performance". So expect lots of wins for Clooney, Pitt, Jolie and Blue Ivy Carter.

Not only am I still trying to break in a new laptop that I'm not used to yet, but I've got a 24 pack of Schlitz and a whole bottle of OJ Simpson's favorite, 10 High. Expect about 845 typos to come.

(Man, that Ten High website looks like it was designed by either an awful 24 year old web designer a really talented 4 year old.)

So let's settle in with a drink and get ready with the red carpet. OMG TEH FASHONZ!

(Coverage starts in about 10 minutes)

6:00 - Good thing the first hour of coverage is the red carpet. The Packers/Giants game is actually competitive. I'm sure I'll be switching back and forth during commercials. I was hoping there could be some way that neither team would win the game, but my wishes are not coming true there. We can always hope for mass spinal injuries to Aaron Rodgers and Eli Manning!

6:02 - I have the choice between watching pre-show on E! or NBC. That's like trying to decide if you want to die from "head in the oven" or "dog eating your testicles".

6:03 - Annnnd NBC has already fucked up their coverage. I can't hear anything that Carson Daly is saying. Wait, I'm complaining about this? Ricky Gervais is also dressed like a male prostitute.

6:04 - Melissa McCarthy getting interviewed by some insufferable woman that just ranked her own looks below that of an inanimate green dress. Oooh! Brad Pitt! Angelina Jolie! I hope I get to see them about 2094 more times tonight!

6:05 - Brad Pitt: "We kind of run a 'zone defense' at home." Look, just because you're in Moneyball, doesn't mean you get to make sports references. Please stop. You make no sense. Also, are the clippers in your house broken, Brad?

6:07 - Charlize Theron looks like she just rolled out of bed. In other words, she looks like she always does.

6:08 - I don't really get the whole 'Zooey Deschanel' thing. I loved (500) Days of Summer as much as the next guy, but she's truly TERRIBLE on The New Girl. And now I'm learning she was voted "Most Liked Actress on a TV Show" on Facebook. I'll just put it out there right now: Emily >>> Zooey. Deal with it.

6:09 - Laura Dern: Please get back to hunting dinosaurs with Sam Neil. Speaking of Sam Neil, I cannot wait for Alcatraz tomorrow night on Fox. Hurley from Lost on Alctraz? I can only pray Nicolas Cage shows up. FUN FACT: I have seen The Rock approximately 3,000 times. I really wish I was watching it now instead of this insufferable red carpet coverage.

"Glass or plastic? GLASS OR PLASTIC???"


6:15 - Apparently 13 million people watched Are You There, Chelesea? last week. The Mayans were right.

6:16 - I forgot that Steve Buscemi (sp?) looks like he's wearing a poor-fitting Steve Buscemi mask. And now, SO CAN YOU!

6: 18 - Wow...Elton John looks like he's getting shorter and fatter and more like a hobbit every day.

6:19 - Now that there's a pause in anything interesting happening, here are my predictions for the evening:

  • Best Picture - Drama: The Descendants
  • Best Picture - Comedy/Musical: The Artist
  • Best Actor/Actress - Drama: George Clooney/Meryl Streep
  • Bet Actor/Actress - Comedy: Michelle Williams/Ryan Gosling
  • Best Supporting Actor/Actress: Albert Brooks/Someone from The Help
  • Best Badass Ever: RON FUCKING SWANSON
6:21 - It's official:: Rob Lowe is an extremely pretty man. He was put on this Earth to counteract Whoopi Godlberg, the World's Most Handsome Woman.

6:22 - Evan Rachel Wood got a nomination for Mildred Pierce. Her merkin got snubbed.

6:28 - Giants are beating the Packers 30-13 with about 6 minutes left. Glorious. It's not that I hate the Packers per say. Wait, yes I absolutely do.

6:29 - Madonna just had an English accent and then lost it in the same sentence. And now it's back. I'll always hate her for taking all of Guy Ritchie's talent in the divorce settlement.

6:30 - Underrated Hot Lady, Regardless of Age: Diane Lane.

6:31 - 2 things that are ABUNDANTLY clear right now. 1. Claire Daines is really natural in front of the camera, and 2. Claire Daines is extremely "anti-bra" when it comes to dresses. The person interviewing her just said it was a "dress meant to have a lot of fun in". Fitting.

6:32 - Man, I used to really not like Amy Poehler. Now I think she's fantastic. Is there any doubt whatsoever that her children with Will Arnett will be the absolute funniest people in history? I wish I could place money on this.

6:33 - Mila Kunis found out the hard way that if you don't make out with another girl, you probably won't get a nomination from the HFPA. Justin Timberlake, while very girlish, didn't count. Wait, that's not Mila Kunis. That's the older daughter from Modern Family. No, it's Mila. Jesus, that's going to confuse me all night.

6:36 - Natalie Portman's facial birthmark is reaching "Adam Sandler's Weird Freckle" levels of "I can't not look at it-ness".

I spent way more time Photoshopping this than I should have.
6:41 - Matt LeBlanc is still being asked Friends questions? That show hasnt been relevant since the Carter administration.

6:43 - George Clooney says that the Golden Globes are fun because he gets to spend his time hanging out with his friends and what not. That's also what his ENTIRE LIFE is like. I wish George Clooney would adopt me.

6:44 - Look, you may say that Owen Wilson's nose doesn't look like a penis, but come on, that thing has girth.

6:45 - Emma Stone cares not for your red carpet interview bullshit.

6:46 - I'm nominating Jennifer Lopez as Hollywood's "Comeback Player of the Year" for 2011. After she broke up with Ben Affleck (who was the BOMB in Phantoms, yo), she pretty much disappeared off the face of the Earth. Now she's back, grinding on EVERYONE that gets on an awards show stage with her, and seems relevant again. Second place to her for 2011: Getting fat.

6:49 - Is there a worse looking movie than "Jim from 'The Office' Saves The Whales"? Easily the front runner for Worst Movie of 2012.

6:51 - I think it's bullshit that Glenn Close got nominated for Best Actress by playing a man in Albert Nobbs. She looks pretty mannish all the time! Hell, she just said that the makeup for the movie was "extremely minimal". Translation: "I'm a dude."

6:53 - Holy crap, there's Bryan Cranston with hair! I just started watching Breaking Bad and I;m halfway through season 2 and goddamn, is he a force on that show. I say we're only a season or two away from Walter White becoming a serial killer.

6:56 - We need to come up with an actual dollar value for looks. Everyone on the red carpet is like "I look like a million dollars!" or "Wow, you look like 5 million dollars!" We need a scale just for reference. I don't know what the top of the scale would be, but I'll give you a few references. Ke$ha looks exactly like $2 at all times. And you know when you thought you had $5, but you lost it in the washing machine? That's the equivalent of what Courtney Love has looked like since 1993.

7:00 - SHOWTIME!

7:01 - Man, EVERYONE looks afraid of Ricky Gervais. HEIZENBERG'D!

7:03 - I feel like since everyone sort of expects Ricky Gervais to be pretty mean-spirited (but accurate), things are going over a lot smoother. No one wants to be a poor sport.

7:05 - That said, there haven't been any real "I can't believe he just said that!" moments. Yet.

7:07 - Is it just me or does Johnny Depp always seem like he's either playing Jack Sparrow or Hunter S. Thompson? I think he forgot how to be Johnny Depp. Which may not be such a bad thing.

7:08 - Hugo is on the list of "Movies that everyone loves that I have 0 desire to see." Add War Horse to that list too. Also, Kenneth Branaugh was the tits in My Week With Marilyn.

7:10 - We're only one award into the evening and we've got our first upset! Christopher Plummer upsets Albert Brooks and Kenny Branaugh for Best Supporting Actor. Either he's drunk or he's incredibly old, because this speech isn't going well. Hopefully he's drunk, because he's awesome. Between A Beautiful Mind and The Insider, no one else has been in more awesome, underrated Russel Crowe movies.

7:14 - If Laura Dern wins, I will punch myself in the crotch. I don't know why I hate her so much. I just do.

7:15 - GODDAMMIT!!!!

7:15 - NOTE: I have never seen whatever show it is that Laura Dern is in. All I know is that whenever a show wins an award that isn't Community, I get mad because in some way, that show is pushing Community off the air. #AnniesBoobs

7:16 - A the first commercial break, Gervais putting Johnny Depp on the spot was the high point so far. And you know what? I don't think Depp was lying when he said he hasn't seen The Tourist yet. And why would he?

7:20 - Julianne Moore looks like $832,000 dollars.

7:20 - Remember when Rumor Willis was Ms. Golden Globe? Jesus, that must have been a down year. She looks like $12.

7:21 - TONY SOPRANO WITH A BEARD???I gotta start watching Cinema Verite. Downton Abbey wins some award. Another show that is critically acclaimed that I have no interest in. Downton Abbey is the War Horse of tv series. Speaking of things that sound WAAAAAY to British, how about that Benedict Cumberbatch playing the new bad guy in the next Star Trek movie?

7:25 - Is it just me, or is it completely unfair to give a Golden Globe to Kate Winslet? That's like when a baseball player is coming back from an injury and plays a week or so against minor league players and they just blast 5 home runs in 4 games against inferior competition.

7:26 - Kate Winslet starts getting played off because she's taking the time to thank EVERY SINGLE PERSON working on Mildred Pierce. That's total class.

7:28 - Every time I see Ben Kingsley, it reminds me of his incredible turn in Sexy Beast and it frightens me. Also, Sexy Beast is one of the movies on my list of "Films People Will See In Your Collection And Assume Is Nasty, Filthy Porn". So is 44 Inch Chest, the spiritual sequel to Sexy Beast.

7:29 - Smash is an incredibly accurate name for that new show, because that's exactly what I would do if I was forced to sit through 1 minute of that piece of garbage. And this is coming from the guy tat watches both The Bachelor and Teen Mom.

7:32 - If you told me Jeremy Irons slept with the President of the HFPA backstage just before they came onstage, I would be 0% surprised.

7:33 - I saw My Week With Marilyn. It was really great. I wish that there were about 3 more movies about Marilyn Monroe made because there were so many more questions the movie brought up than were answered. Also, Dougray Scott was fucking awesome as Arthur Miller.


7:38: Kelsey Grammar over Bryan Cranston??? Even without seeing 1 minute of Boss or the 4th season of Breaking Bad, I can easily call this a travesty.

7:39 - Kelsey Grammar: "I'd like to thank my wife of 3 weeks for being such an awesome part of my life and in no way a revenge move to make my fame whore of an ex-wife jealous!"

7:39 - I've never seen like 4 of the 5 shows nominated for Best Drama. I really need to get premium channels.

7:40 - Whoever the guy talking right now is, hes probably not happy that Claire Danes is taller than he is.

7:42 - I've been drinking since 6, have yet to eat anything, and The Help still has all of its categories to come. I feel like this could be bad.

7:43 - Every year, it seems like there are movies that come out not to add any artistic merit to the world, but just to try and win Oscars. And it seems like they always fail. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close seems like one of those movies. Also on that list: Deep Throat.

7:46 - The Artist almost had to win Best Score. If it didn't, no one would have ever seen it.

7:48 - "Hello Hello" from Gnomeo and Juliet makes me think Bono is going to bust onstage and start singing "Vertigo". Also, WTF is W/E? I thought I knew most of the movies that came out this year, but I swear I've never heard of it. Are we sure it's not just a Madonna music video?

7:50 - Madonna: "Um...um...um..." Well said. STOP BEING BRITISH! YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE! She just said someone "haranged her" into making a song for this movie. So someone made her put up a 4.50 ERA with terrible road numbers? (Harang'd) (BaseballJoke'd)

7:52 - From reader UFJamesT: "I think the 'I Have To Look Happy For The Award-Winner When I Don't Win' face is akin to the vinegar strokes. Really shows a lot about the losers."

7:53 - Other than the fact that they all deserve it, wouldn't it be awesome to see It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia get nominated for some awards just to see that crew seated in the audience? Tell me that wouldn't make good TV!

7:55 - NO ONE has had a better 2011 than Ryan Gosling.

7:57 - Wow, Katherine McPhee looks like she just woke up. She's running at about $22 right now.

7:58 - I'd say something about Idris Elba, but I'm so terrified by him, I feel like even my highest praises would cause him to show up at my house and beat the shit out of me.

8:00 - The interactions between Brad Pitt and George Clooney are slowly reaching "physical relationship possibility" levels.

8:01 - Seth Rogan: I do not blame you. Well done on calling out My Week With Marilyn being lumped in with Musical/Comedy.

8:03 - Has anyone seen Harvey Weinstein and Jeff Garland in the same room together?

8:07 - Piper Peraboo and Sarah Michelle Gellar: WHO HAS THE BIGGER DRESS???

8:08 - "I wish I could say that Tim Robbins fought the good fight and won the Golden Globe tonight and Susan Sarandon didn't beat him when he got home. I wish I could say that."

8:10 - Is it just me, or are there LARGE parts of the show missing Ricky Gervais?

8:12 - Here was my problem with Moneyball: That season, the Oakland A's had 2 All-Star pitchers in their starting rotation and 2 MVPs in their lineup. "Winning with this team" didn't change shit.

8:13 - Apparently the only qualification you need to get nominated for Best Animated Feature Film is to "Be an animated film". Did anyone actually see Arthur Christmas?

8:15 - Every year, Stephen Spielberg looks more and more like his puppet from Team America.

8:19 - I just saw a preview for The Vow and I thought it said TeBow. Please kill me now. Also, isn't that the same story as 50 First Dates?

8:20 - 50/50 was a pretty solid movie, but it was another one of those movies where the funniest parts of the movie were in the trailers. But it's the dramatic parts are the best part, so it's definitely worth seeing. I dare you not to tear up at the end right before the main character goes into surgery.

8:22 - I've received a copy of the screenplay for The Artist and I will post it below.

8:24 - I gotta say, my favorite part of the night so far has been the "Creeper in the background making a face when the nominee is shown".

8:25 - "STELLLAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"

8:26 - Yikes, Michelle Pfeiffer looks like E.T.!

8:27 - This W.E. movie sure is getting mentioned a lot for something that got a 4.6/10 rating on IMDB and a whopping 27% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

8:28 - Once again, with feeling: "If that hole freezes over...THEN THOSE WHALES WILL DIE!"

8:32 - Madonna: Not funny. At all. Calling a guy a girl was really a sick burn when I was in third grade.

8:33 - The HFPA loves Angelina Jolie, so her movie will win, even though The Skin I Live In was awesome.

8:33 - I love when everyone in the audience have to sit though the halting speech of someone that doesn't speak English as their primary language and whose movie they never saw. They ALWAYS overdo it. "Oh wow1 This is so interesting!"

8:35 - Who would have thought that the emo girl from My So-Called Life would turn into such a legitimate actress? And how the emo guy from My So-Called Life would turn into on of the world's biggest douchebags?

8:43 - I'm pretty sure Jane Lynch could play outside linebacker for 22 NFL teams.

8:44 - Matt LeBlanc, Alec Baldwin and David Duchovney all nominated for Golden Globes? Claire Danes too? When did I wake up in 1994? WHERIR MAI ACE OF BASE???

8:47 - This year's Marion Cotillard award for being "much better looking than expected" is Berenice Bejo from The Artist.

8:51 - Morgan Freeman has been shown exactly twice tonight, and both times, Sidney Poitier was mentioned RACISTS!

854 - Reese Witherspoon looks like $1.5 million. Wait, if a George Clooney movie is being introduced, shouldn't it be Brad Pitt that introduces it? We need more bromance!

8:56 - In case you didn't already know (and if you didn't I feel sorry for you and you didn't do your Movies 101 homework), you can tell how much of a badass Sidney Poitier is when both Morgan Freeman and Paul Giamatti stand up when you walk into a room.

8:58 - NOTE: I've only mentioned Morgan Freeman twice tonight, and both times I've also mentioned Sidney Poitier. I'm racist?

8:59 - Morgan Freeman's smile/teeth are the exact opposite of his voice in the "awesomeness scale".

9:00 - Morgan Freeman is the only guy badass enough to pimp slap Denzel.

9:02 - "Bath in a Casket" needs a dubstep remix.

9:04 - I'm going to shut up for a minute and listen to the dulcet tones of Mr. Freeman.

9:13 - Best Director: PAYNE OR BUST!!!

9:14 - Scorsese with the win! Jesus, was Hugo that good? I know the critics loved it, but I don't think I know a single person that has seen it.

9:15 - I have to say, aside from maybe Quentin Tarantino, I don't think there's a director alive that loves movies more than Marty Scorsese. Also, he looks to be about 3'10.

9:16 - Dammit! Gervais just said something that had to be bleeped out. WHAT DID HE SAY??? Also, if you didn't see The Skin I Live In starring Mr. Banderas, do so. It's creepy and sexy, just like me. Or so I've been told. By no one. Well, maybe the creepy part.

9:18 - Shit, did I sit on the SAP button on my remote?

9:19 - Mark Wahlberg coming up. He had a good weekend as Contraband won the weekend at the box office. BAHHSTON REPRESENT! ENTOURAGE!!! BROS!!!!

9:23 - Michelle Pfeiffer...phone hooome!

9:26 - NIPPLE SLIP!!!

9:26 - Whoever Jean Dujarden just hugged had her entire boob practically fall out. Also, he has the perfect face for a silent film. I kind of know what that's like. I've been told I have the voice perfect for silent films. And a face for radio. And the muscle definition perfect for a 2nd grade softball team.

9:29 - TheArtistNippleGate distracted me from this.

9:31 - Why not just combine Smash and The Voice into one commercial? The Smoice? Sounds like an awesome dessert and a terrible show, so perfect for NBC!

9:33 - Wait, I'm not racist after all! It's Colin Firth!

9:34 - Tilda Swinton no longer looks like Conan O'Brien. She now looks EXACTLY like Thom Yourke of Radiohead.

9:36 - This will be the 832nd Golden Globe for Meryl Streep.

9:37 - Meryl Streep is one of those people that when she says she really loves and respects the other nominees, she actually seems like she means it. Then again, she is one of the greatest actresses of all time. THERIN LIES THE PARADOX!!!

9:40 - For those of you who didn't see My Week With Marilyn, it has only a few small jokes and about 2 partial songs, both of which were included within the film that was being filmed within the movie (INCEPTION!!!). I guess that makes it eligible for Best Picture Musical/Comedy.

9:41 - If Ryan Gosling had the best 2011, that dog from The Artist is going to have a HUGE 2012. Harvey Weinstein is already getting 3 scripts together for him to star in.

9:43 - From reader Chaim Witz: "Every Weinstein film besides Spy Kids 4 has won an award tonight." THERE'S STILL 2 AWARDS TO GO! #SpyKids4ForBestActorDrama

9:46 - I can't remember what my predictions were or who won. I know I was right on Streep and someone from The Help, wrong on Albert Brooks. I'm an awful prognosticator.

9:47 - Natalie Portman looks like $12 million.

9:48 - At this point, I'm kind of surprised Clooney didn't kiss Brad Pitt on his way up to the stage.

9:49 - Wow...Clooney praising Michael Fassbender for hanging dong in Shame.

9:53 - We're back. ONE MORE AWARD! Also, looking back, I'm 5 for 7 so far. If The Descendants wins, I'm 6 for 8 and cover the spread.

9:55 - SWEET SUCCESS!!!! Time to polish off this case and call in sick tomorrow. Hope you had fun! Also, we should grind up War Horse and make him into glue.


Jake said...

Gervais said something like, "I can't understand a fucking word they're saying." In regards to Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas.

Jake said...

Also we need to do a "You Make the Call" with Angelina Jolie and the weird monster that emerges from the television in the music video for "Come to Daddy" by Aphex Twin.

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