28 February 2012

Eat Us: Steak-Umms

Eat Us takes great care to showcase the finest food and drink the Midwest has to offer. And occasionally some of the worst.

There are some foods that - how to say this nicely? - classify as White Trash Food. They're less a consumable than a line in the sand. While some foods (Jello salad, mayo sandwiches, canned hash) are debatable regionally, there's one White Trash Food that bears do debate. I speak of Steak-Umms, "America's Favorite Sliced Steak!"

Steak-Umms, born out of the stygian abyss of Reading, PA, are a sliced frozen steak product that I suspect contains little "steak." Having eaten them a time or six, I can attest that it definitively tastes of the beef trimmings that weren't quite up to boxed frozen Wal-Mart ground beef quality. It was either this or circus meat. And yes, they look as appetizing as I make them sound.

Geographically, you may be noting, they aren't even Midwestern by origin. North of Maryland and all. Yet of all the places I've lived or visited friends and loved ones, I've seen more freezer-burned telltale red boxes far and away the most in our fair region. Something about shitty meat that really seems to strike a chord around these parts.

And how to describe the taste ...

Ever visit a pioneer village or historical throwback event? And you hear weathered women talk about making candles out of fat? You may have been wondering how animal fat can be coaxed into a serviceable candle. Once you cook your first SteakUmm - microwave or pan-fry, it's shitty either way - you'll wonder no longer. A massive amount of fat leaks out, then with nowhere to go seemingly attains a limited sentience. If you listen close enough, you can hear a mournful hiss, almost like ... "killllll meeee."

Could just be the last guy to eat one of these, thouhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifgh.

Nutritionally, they're not as much of a time bomb as you'd imagine - 100 calories per ... sheet? Though 80 percent of that is from fat. You'll get decent amount of saturated fat and cholesterol, but to be honest it's nothing horrific, especially compared to Arby's or Taco Bell. No, the horror here comes entirely from the taste and appearance.

And the website.

Imagine every food you love. Now sub out the protein base and insert shitty pink sheets of low-grade beef. Viola - it can be done, and SteakUmms is here to show you how on its recipe page. Tellingly, there are no pictures for any of these. I'm fairly certain that if the Greeks had these SteakUmms gyros, they wouldn't have invented democracy. All your favorites are here, just waiting to be ruined at home! Just make sure you don't call up anything you can't put down.


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